Not for all the spoons in the world – Chronic Illness Challenge, Day 17 

How would things be different if you weren’t ill?

Well isn’t that a loaded question! Of course I don’t KNOW how things would be different, all I can do is guess from the path my life was on before I got really sick, so let’s talk about that to start with.

Even in 6th form, when I was doing my A levels, I was almost always exhausted. I would fall asleep in the common room and regularly teachers would have to come and find me to wake me up. I really didn’t have the energy or brain power to study on top of everything else. Maybe if I hadn’t have been starting to get sick I would of been able study harder, maybe I would have got higher marks at A level?

When I went into midwifery I was the same, everything was exhausting, I felt stupid although I was just as intelligent as everyone else. Practical experience was hard and nights soon became impossible. Although I eventually did complete the course I have never been cleared by occupational health and have never had a PIN number and therefore never been able practice. Midwifery was my passion, I’m almost certain that if I hadn’t have gotten so sick I would be an active practicing midwife.

I would never have gone into social work. I wouldn’t have helped the people I did but I also wouldn’t have got as stressed as I did.

The one thing I am completely certain of is that if I hadn’t got sick I would be in full time employment and I would be earning more than just short of £300/month.

The rest I don’t know. I hope that I would have been in housing with more stability, maybe I wouldn’t have had to move around so much.

Maybe I would have more kids. I would love more kids but pregnancy makes me so unwell and the decision seems some what selfish being as I’m so compromised. Wildchild was a huge shock and an awesome, wonderful surprise but intentionally planning to have a child with a chronic collection, I’m not sure I could have done that.

Other than those things I have no idea what would be different, I just know that I’m not sure I want it to be. I’ve learnt some important lessons from being ill that I would not want to forget. Also, I don’t know for sure that if I wasn’t sick whether or not I would still have Chris and Wildchild, and THAT is not something I would ever change.

In fact, unless you could guarantee that I would have them, these friends, my family, unless you could assure me they would be the exact same people and I would love them in the exact same way, then I wouldn’t change anything. In fact I would suffer through all the illness, the pain, the confusion, the insanity all over again, just to make sure I had these people in my world. Life with my chronic collection may be hard, it may be a struggle every single day but it is what made me who I am. It is what contributed to how my friends and family view the world, and it is a big part of who Chris and Wildchild are, and change anything about them? Nope, not for all the spoons in the world!!!

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